Bazen tanımlaması kendimce hayli
zor şeyler düşünüyorum. Bazen biraz fazla mı düşünüyoruz diye de düşünüyorum.
Düşünmemeyi düşünebilmek için bile düşünmek lazımken bu söylediğim pek manasız.
Aslında bazen öyle bir şey oluyor ki bütün bir gün boyu kısacık, tek bir anı
düşünüyorum, hayatımda tek bir kareyi değiştirme şansım olsaydı hangisini
seçerdim?
I came across today with the possibility of
another end. Since I’m preparing myself for an end (hoping that it is ultimate)
and a start also (hoping that it will remain for good), I feel like I should
look back for maybe one last time, while stuffing my luggage. How hard it can
be to say goodbye to everything? Well it is. It definitely is hard. Especially
when you find out that there still are some messes to be solved out. The mess
that you delay all the time that you believe you will have time sooner or later
to deal with and there are a lot of different and recent stuff to be considered
and the others may wait for the right moment. And what is the true definition
of “right moment” anyway?
I may leave everything behind in just the same
way they are now as well, this is another and also pretty possible option. I
can focus on my new opportunities and the “clean slate” thing and the other quite
exciting stuff. Yet sometimes I feel like some things have to be cleared out to
move on with a relieved mind. Some questions ought to be answered. I feel
confused. How can a person be deeply reluctant to do something and as deeply as
the previous, pretty ambitious as well? I don’t know. Never afraid of daring
things and none ended up the way I wanted but hilariously I still am damn so bold.
Will I do the right thing (with the tiny but infuriating detail of “according
to whom or what?”) or go crazy all over again? I don’t know. I’ll just let it
go, wherever it wants to go..
I wish that the things we live are recorded
somewhere, like thousands of videotapes, with the other paths that we neglected
to choose. I really wish that. It might be my only expectation from the idea of
death. So we can watch it all over again, with all the details and the cut
scenes since we did not choose to live when we had the chance. Millions of tapes
it would be, maybe this is the definition of the “eternity”. It would mean
billions of possibilities; how inspiring, how glamorous and how tragic at the
same time...
Bütün yarımları bütünleyecek kadar
çok fırsatımız olur mu bir gün? Böyle konuşunca bir garip, muğlak, anlatmanın
daha kolay yolu olsaydı? Are
we brave enough to tell it all; are they brilliant enough to absorb it all?
Maybe, maybe not.
